Everyone is getting stoned except me

Everyone is getting stoned except me

As a deeply spiritual person, I feel like I have no street cred unless I partake in some substance in some way.  Some mediums regularly get drunk AF because of the heavy crap we gotta deal with: consoling the living after someone passes on and counselling clients about all sorts of life issues.  While others stay away from substances altogether.

Weed is a good option to just relax and allow the messages to flow.  I don’t have a lot of experience with this as I was a super good kid growing up.  My parents think I was the devil’s spawn because I talked back and came home long after my curfew, but no one is asking them.  As a goody goody growing up in the deep south of Calgary, I never did anything bad. I never drank alcohol till I was 18 (legal age in Alberta), and I definitely didn’t smoke cigarettes, or do party drugs. I didn’t even go to parties. My parents had it easy as far as I’m concerned!

I’m now making up for missed opportunities.

A girlfriend of mine came over some time ago with her baggie of green promises. I couldn’t wait to get fucked up.  As I eagerly awaited her arrival, I heard her voice as she was chatting up my neighbours.  She was laughing and confessing what a racist she was.  Oh god, do I need to intervene?  When I opened the door, I was met with bloodshot eyes and a slack jaw mouth signalling the bitch was already high as a kite!  I got genuinely pissed she started without me. Anyway, I couldn’t be mad at her for very long because she had the goods and is cute as a button.  I was super excited to try her stuff.  It smelled herbal, aromatic, and non-skunky. We pulverized the buds and rolled them up into cigarette papers.  Soon after, we went for a walk down the block cuz I ain’t doing that shit in my house.

First try: nothing. I was unaffected.  Hmmm, maybe it just takes a while. Went back home to roll another.

2nd attempt: more nothing…friend is a bit surprised it’s not working for me

3rd and 4th go around: I’m still not feeling tingly, buzzed, stoned or anything

My husband comes home after running some errands and my friend is making fun of me for being stone cold sober. What is the meaning of this?  I’ve smoked 2 buds practically. That would last her a week if she was smoking every day. I’ve smoked pot using a bong before and it took me a while then too.  But this is ridiculous. My friend is promising to get me high even if she ends up being late for her date in an hour or so.

Husband (non-chalantly): Oh, it was like this last time too.

Friend: WHAT?!  Last time?

5th attempt: We desperately phone the dealer and ask for advice. This is super embarrassing and awkward. There were a lot of expletives exchanged over the phone about what a couple of dumbasses we were but what we got from this shit-talking was: 50/50 oxygen and cannabis. I wasn’t inhaling and mixing.  I was holding it in, but no extra inhale.

OOOOHHHHHHH!  Rookie mistake.

6th one’s a charm!  I successfully ended up a baked brownie.  My girlfriend is relieved!  She proceeds to eat all my chips and leave crumbs everywhere. She also borrows some clothes for a date and leaves her hobo chiq fashions at my place.

The high itself was great.  I mellowed out and relaxed.  There was no looking for messages this time around, I just wanted to float in bliss.  Next time though, I’ll be giving readings to my friends with a sense of humour.  I’m sure there is going to be some epic stuff revealed.  Who wants to join that party?  Haha!

(BTW, I’m brown so it’s not racist when I say “baked brownie”.  If you’re not brown and you use this term, you are a racist. Political correctness all the way!  Except for me. I have double standards like that.)

Disclaimer: while I am joking about this one experience with the ganja, I do not use illegal substances 99% of the time.  I don’t even have any tattoos.  I go to bed at 10pm and wake up at 5:30am to go to work.  I barely take any sick days.  I donate money to charity and pay my credit cards and taxes on time.  And I’m not about to lose my job over a failed drug test either. I’m still a proud goody goody…